open email

I doubt you'll read this b/c I emailed it to you and you seem to think I am a dickhead.. so here it goes...Maybe you'll read it one day

Dori,

I know I texted you today to check in on you. I hope I didn't offend you. More of anything I was hoping you would reply and we might start some sort of dialog. Regardless of your anger or bitterness toward me, we had a very special relationship. I know I tarnished the good times with my actions at the end. And for that I am truly sorry.

I have been wanting to write this email for so long, but I haven't really found the right words.

I have suffered badly these past few months. I have been through so much of an emotional roller-coaster, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure I would be alive the next day. I know the last time we spoke on the phone i was pretty hateful, and a general dick. That's not how you treat someone you love. I know that. I have prayed and really sought clarity in things.

Something happened to me a few weeks ago driving across the desert going to the Grand Canyon. I realized then and there that I have had zero control of who I am. I have been out of control for so long. I realized that things needed to be changed. It's not been easy. I fall off the horse and have to get back on so to speak.

Today I was thinking about a lot of things, and things that I did and said to you weighed heavy on my soul. I wasn't stable at the end of our time together. I lost it after Costa Rica. I wasn't the guy you fell in love with. I haven't been that guy in a really long time. I am struggling with my emotions and goals. I know your new guy is stable in his life. I am happy you found that. Even though it hurts like hell to admit it.

I know you don't "care" how I am doing, and if you do reply to this it will full of vitriol or snarky. Like your text to tell me to "get a life." I didn't send this to you to upset you or make you think anything. More of anything this is a healing process for me to become someone better. More loving. Stronger.

Anyway, I hope you are well. Just know there is always a special place for you in my heart. It's never too far away. No matter whoever i date or see or whatever, they aren't you. I know without a doubt in my mind that I loved you. I wanted to change who I was to be with you. Unfortunately those stability issues really jacked things up.

Please think before reply.

With love (yes I do mean that)

B

P.s I left Instar, bought a new truck, moving away from this area and have a dog now. My new job is amazing. I have spent a month in phoenix already.

Quite a change

Oh yea, remember what I told you in July. I haven't forgotten my promise to you regardless of who is in our lives currently. Also heard Bora Bora is beautiful at the end of April

Awake my soul

Just was listening to Mumford and Sons, and this song has brought me to my knees.. It really has nothing to do with my ex or anything to that degree.. just how I am feeling. My soul is dead.. I really don't feel like that I am alive anymore. I am a shell of a person. I am hurting I am not feeling like there is a lot of my life left.

Sucks..

Lyrics to Awake My Soul :
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

From http://www.lyricsmania.com/awake_my_soul_lyrics_mumford_and_sons.html
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker

Realzing

my last post was pretty hateful.. hurtful. I have deleted it. I was wrong in writing it.. If you did read it.. I am sorry. I am dealing with a lot of up and down emotions right now. You sometimes make your way to the top of that list..

Ghosts

I was asked one time by Dori if I believed in Ghosts.. I don't necessarily believe in ghost as more apparitions. I can go back to a place she and I went and see us. I see where her car was parked, what we did. time of the year, what we were wearing. Its uncanny. I can see the faint outline etc. I don't know, maybe I am losing my fucking mind. It is possible Ya know!

I am working more and more to be stronger. I am seeing a good therapist that has opened my eyes to a lot. I know it wasn't right, I accept. I am moving on. dating... its been a very bipolar type situation. 1. I don't feel the person. 2. they like me too much. I know I am a good catch. hell, who wouldn't this man (Ok, I am fucking around).

Anyway, my theory on ghosts, and apparitions, they do exist. I saw one today in the parking lot of Pappasitos. I remember walking her down the stairs after dinner with a bunch of my friends. I remember kissing her behind the car, and feeling it in my heart.

God, I sound like a fucking nut. I really do.

This is weird, I have to move on..

Everybody says...

Everybody says time heals everything.. Is that true? Because it has been some time, It hasn't healed. I sat on my sofa tonight and cried. I was so miserable feeling. So much in my life has changed. I took a new job, which I am really excited about as I will have more responsibilities, better pay, more structure. I bought a new Truck, and most of all.. I got a dog. Baby Stella... she is sweet as can be. Photos are above..

I want to close with a song that reminded me today of being lonely. She doesn't care anymore, and has moved on.. I have changed my philosophy on life, but it is still hard to overcome..

so we are trying to get over things that we can seem to shake.. why? is it the inherent need to be loved? Is it because as we get older, we don't want to be alone...

something to ponder

Sarah Bettens - Someone to say hi

Goodbye.. I love you.. always will. I hope you know that. I have to let go of you..

New Doctor

so I try out a new Doctor today. One that can me life skills versus assuages my feelings/fears. I am looking forward to it, as it is time to be healed. I am sore, hurting, but doing better. I had a good evening last night seeing David Gray and Ray Lamontange. Incredible. I actually didn't break down during "This Year's love" Was incredible and redeeming feeling.
Maybe I am getting over you.. I am not sure. I don't want too, but I know I have too. You were the person that changed me. In a lot of ways. Mostly good. I just don't see that yet.
Lets hope