Dori,
I know I texted you today to check in on you. I hope I didn't offend you. More of anything I was hoping you would reply and we might start some sort of dialog. Regardless of your anger or bitterness toward me, we had a very special relationship. I know I tarnished the good times with my actions at the end. And for that I am truly sorry.
I have been wanting to write this email for so long, but I haven't really found the right words.
I have suffered badly these past few months. I have been through so much of an emotional roller-coaster, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure I would be alive the next day. I know the last time we spoke on the phone i was pretty hateful, and a general dick. That's not how you treat someone you love. I know that. I have prayed and really sought clarity in things.
Something happened to me a few weeks ago driving across the desert going to the Grand Canyon. I realized then and there that I have had zero control of who I am. I have been out of control for so long. I realized that things needed to be changed. It's not been easy. I fall off the horse and have to get back on so to speak.
Today I was thinking about a lot of things, and things that I did and said to you weighed heavy on my soul. I wasn't stable at the end of our time together. I lost it after Costa Rica. I wasn't the guy you fell in love with. I haven't been that guy in a really long time. I am struggling with my emotions and goals. I know your new guy is stable in his life. I am happy you found that. Even though it hurts like hell to admit it.
I know you don't "care" how I am doing, and if you do reply to this it will full of vitriol or snarky. Like your text to tell me to "get a life." I didn't send this to you to upset you or make you think anything. More of anything this is a healing process for me to become someone better. More loving. Stronger.
Anyway, I hope you are well. Just know there is always a special place for you in my heart. It's never too far away. No matter whoever i date or see or whatever, they aren't you. I know without a doubt in my mind that I loved you. I wanted to change who I was to be with you. Unfortunately those stability issues really jacked things up.
Please think before reply.
With love (yes I do mean that)
B
P.s I left Instar, bought a new truck, moving away from this area and have a dog now. My new job is amazing. I have spent a month in phoenix already.
Quite a change
Oh yea, remember what I told you in July. I haven't forgotten my promise to you regardless of who is in our lives currently. Also heard Bora Bora is beautiful at the end of April
