open email

I doubt you'll read this b/c I emailed it to you and you seem to think I am a dickhead.. so here it goes...Maybe you'll read it one day

Dori,

I know I texted you today to check in on you. I hope I didn't offend you. More of anything I was hoping you would reply and we might start some sort of dialog. Regardless of your anger or bitterness toward me, we had a very special relationship. I know I tarnished the good times with my actions at the end. And for that I am truly sorry.

I have been wanting to write this email for so long, but I haven't really found the right words.

I have suffered badly these past few months. I have been through so much of an emotional roller-coaster, to be quite honest, I wasn't sure I would be alive the next day. I know the last time we spoke on the phone i was pretty hateful, and a general dick. That's not how you treat someone you love. I know that. I have prayed and really sought clarity in things.

Something happened to me a few weeks ago driving across the desert going to the Grand Canyon. I realized then and there that I have had zero control of who I am. I have been out of control for so long. I realized that things needed to be changed. It's not been easy. I fall off the horse and have to get back on so to speak.

Today I was thinking about a lot of things, and things that I did and said to you weighed heavy on my soul. I wasn't stable at the end of our time together. I lost it after Costa Rica. I wasn't the guy you fell in love with. I haven't been that guy in a really long time. I am struggling with my emotions and goals. I know your new guy is stable in his life. I am happy you found that. Even though it hurts like hell to admit it.

I know you don't "care" how I am doing, and if you do reply to this it will full of vitriol or snarky. Like your text to tell me to "get a life." I didn't send this to you to upset you or make you think anything. More of anything this is a healing process for me to become someone better. More loving. Stronger.

Anyway, I hope you are well. Just know there is always a special place for you in my heart. It's never too far away. No matter whoever i date or see or whatever, they aren't you. I know without a doubt in my mind that I loved you. I wanted to change who I was to be with you. Unfortunately those stability issues really jacked things up.

Please think before reply.

With love (yes I do mean that)

B

P.s I left Instar, bought a new truck, moving away from this area and have a dog now. My new job is amazing. I have spent a month in phoenix already.

Quite a change

Oh yea, remember what I told you in July. I haven't forgotten my promise to you regardless of who is in our lives currently. Also heard Bora Bora is beautiful at the end of April

Awake my soul

Just was listening to Mumford and Sons, and this song has brought me to my knees.. It really has nothing to do with my ex or anything to that degree.. just how I am feeling. My soul is dead.. I really don't feel like that I am alive anymore. I am a shell of a person. I am hurting I am not feeling like there is a lot of my life left.

Sucks..

Lyrics to Awake My Soul :
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

From http://www.lyricsmania.com/awake_my_soul_lyrics_mumford_and_sons.html
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker

Realzing

my last post was pretty hateful.. hurtful. I have deleted it. I was wrong in writing it.. If you did read it.. I am sorry. I am dealing with a lot of up and down emotions right now. You sometimes make your way to the top of that list..

Ghosts

I was asked one time by Dori if I believed in Ghosts.. I don't necessarily believe in ghost as more apparitions. I can go back to a place she and I went and see us. I see where her car was parked, what we did. time of the year, what we were wearing. Its uncanny. I can see the faint outline etc. I don't know, maybe I am losing my fucking mind. It is possible Ya know!

I am working more and more to be stronger. I am seeing a good therapist that has opened my eyes to a lot. I know it wasn't right, I accept. I am moving on. dating... its been a very bipolar type situation. 1. I don't feel the person. 2. they like me too much. I know I am a good catch. hell, who wouldn't this man (Ok, I am fucking around).

Anyway, my theory on ghosts, and apparitions, they do exist. I saw one today in the parking lot of Pappasitos. I remember walking her down the stairs after dinner with a bunch of my friends. I remember kissing her behind the car, and feeling it in my heart.

God, I sound like a fucking nut. I really do.

This is weird, I have to move on..

Everybody says...

Everybody says time heals everything.. Is that true? Because it has been some time, It hasn't healed. I sat on my sofa tonight and cried. I was so miserable feeling. So much in my life has changed. I took a new job, which I am really excited about as I will have more responsibilities, better pay, more structure. I bought a new Truck, and most of all.. I got a dog. Baby Stella... she is sweet as can be. Photos are above..

I want to close with a song that reminded me today of being lonely. She doesn't care anymore, and has moved on.. I have changed my philosophy on life, but it is still hard to overcome..

so we are trying to get over things that we can seem to shake.. why? is it the inherent need to be loved? Is it because as we get older, we don't want to be alone...

something to ponder

Sarah Bettens - Someone to say hi

Goodbye.. I love you.. always will. I hope you know that. I have to let go of you..

New Doctor

so I try out a new Doctor today. One that can me life skills versus assuages my feelings/fears. I am looking forward to it, as it is time to be healed. I am sore, hurting, but doing better. I had a good evening last night seeing David Gray and Ray Lamontange. Incredible. I actually didn't break down during "This Year's love" Was incredible and redeeming feeling.
Maybe I am getting over you.. I am not sure. I don't want too, but I know I have too. You were the person that changed me. In a lot of ways. Mostly good. I just don't see that yet.
Lets hope

Time, and healing

Everyone says "time" heals everything. That only "time" will tell. That "time" will make things better. Only thing "time" has done for me is make me feel worse for my actions towards her. It has made me rethink the trouble and pain I caused the only person in my life that has stayed true to me. The only person that totally figured me out.
I am not perfect, I have a lot of mistakes, lot of insecurities that stem from a rough childhood, and an even rougher life that I have brought upon myself. She was the only thing that has been stable in a very rocky situation. On the outside I seem fine. I work a good job, have an education, try to respect people. However, inside, I am a complete train wreck. I struggle with day to day life. I break down for no reason. Cry like a 3 year that just shit his pants.
Everything happens for a reason, or so I hear. What is this reason? To remain bitter and heart broken? To feel insignificant to someone so amazing that once told me I was the "love of her life." Where does that go?? How can one just turn that off?
I wish I could go back and fix things. I sincerely do. I wish I could have learned to give her space,love when she needed it, and just general honesty. I made some bad decisions in my past that have affected how she dealed with me. But then again, she stayed around. She weathered a pretty strong storm. Only to sink b/c of me..
Yes, this is a victim writing I guess. The only real finger to be pointed is at myself.
I hope one day she'll see.. I can only pray she does.


but I really doubt it

another week, another time

so this week is going to be fun. I fly out to D.C on Wednesday. I have a convention till Sat A.M. Then I am going to spend the weekend exploring DC. So excited. I have not been in 25 years.. DAMN I AM OLD..
Anyway, maybe I need to go by and give the Johnny Cash to Obama! haha

Almost forgot

Song of the Night..

First Time.. Matt Nathanson.. Curve ball tonight.. Lyrics then the song tonight

Im ready to embrace this I am
Im ready for repair
Ive got so many layers left by amateur painters who covered over what was there

I stuffed myself sick on your memory
a beautiful mess that we made
but Im so tired of being inspired only when things slip away

You told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone dry
You told me time would strip it all free
but Im no better then when I left here the first time

Im ready to erase this I am
Im ready to begin
spent myself trying to change all of the beauty we made
just to want it all back again

And with clouds moving in
well this hardly looks like the same moon
and with the leaves all gone the trees that once stood strong
now look pinched and cruel.

You told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone dry
You told me time would strip it all free
but Im no better then when I left here the first time
but Im no better then when I left here the first,
first time
first time.

You told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone dry
You told me time would strip it all free
but Im no better then when I left here the first time
well Im no better then when I left here the first time,
well Im no better then when I left here the first time,
time, time, time.

The song..

RE:

So this is an RE: post...

I was going to write a lot about how hurtful and painful the email I received from "Francis" was.. but nah.. Fuck that.. but I do have one thing to say or rather.. let the man in black say it.. then I am done..

Ahhh DONE!! Feel so much better now..

being hateful and spiteful is not the way.. I know.. It just hurt.. so you.. done with you. I could care less what you think or do..

Up yours..

Thanks Johnny.. I needed it

Man on the Run

so I am working today and Cowboy Mouth's "Man on the Run" came on..

So unfortunately I "exchanged" emails with my ex.. bad fucking idea.. Damnit..

So the reply was pretty snarky and shitty. I would post it, but its too hard to deal with.

Needless say the cut is wide open again.. and to top off of this.. I messed up my ankle again. .WTF

Healing according to Webster:

Main Entry: heal

Pronunciation: \ˈhēl\

Function: verb

Etymology: Middle English helen, from Old English hǣlan; akin to Old High German heilen to heal, Old English hāl whole — more at whole

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb1 a : to make sound or whole b : to restore to health
2 a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome : mend ed — William Power> b : to patch up (a breach or division)
3 : to restore to original purity or integrity ed of sin>intransitive verbSo we are suppose to "heal" to make things better in our lives, what if we can't b/c of a mental roadblock. What if we can't let go.. So the song currently playingSweet Marie, Hothouse Flowers.. such a beautiful pieceListen.. I am done for the day..

day 1..

The Broken Hearted.

Sleeping to dream about you, and I am so damn tired, and I am having to live without you, but I don't mind....... J. Mraz...

This is your heart.. this is what happens when it is broken.. scientist take it out, test it, kick the shit out of it.. then sell you "happy" pills to make you feel better..

First off.. IF you are easily offended by:

1. Salty language, stop reading now!!

2.If you are worried you might be named in this blog (all will be changed for their protection, however, you can't really change things like MOM and DAD).

3. If you don't get my humor.. Well sorry.. you are f'd.

The Way The Story Goes:

Welcome to my new blog. I am writing about the healing of my broken heart. There will be stories from the past, there will be stories from today, tomorrow and the next day. I may chronicle my dates, etc. I am healing, but it is taking a lot of time, and self discovery.

Well it is actually day 14 for me. I haven't talked to her since Sunday before last. We had a long conversation and I realized right then and there, it was a bad idea to keep this thing going along. I have struggled with not contacting her. Its hurtful when she was my best friend, and my lover too. I spent a lot of time with her and her daughter.

For this blog sakes we will call my ex girlfriend, Francis.. b/c well.. I know no one named Francis...

(And let me put a caveat out there.. This is not a Francis Bashing blog, she was wonderful, we just didn't sync up, and I was dealing with a lot of emotional grief).

So today is a new day. .I woke up feeling ok about the day. I was not ready to attack things like I need to be. I know its not going to be 100% every day. Its going to be tough. Its going to be a fight some days to keep my sanity.

Speaking of my sanity.. I need to find a good counselor. YEP. I do! I admit that I have had some ups and downs that were not healthy.

I was doing some research for this page. And I was going to show a deep cut.. And as I chroncile my days, I slowly show the healing of the cut.. like my heart is. Metaphorically speaking, its like a cut has been made in my soul. A really deep cut. I think it needed stitches.. But I didn't get them. I am trying to let it heal on its own. Its going to scar.. Like A motherfucker. But then again, I need to finally learn from my mistakes. Make good decisions, be honest with my significant other, and myself. I have not been honest with who I am for the longest time. I have fought it so hard.

BULLSHIT PORTION OF THE PROGRAM:

The ultimate goal is to create a diary of my ups and downs. My happiness, and my sadness. This is not going to be easy. I have to do something I haven't done forever.. Be honest. Not that I lie about everything etc. I unfortunately inherited from my mom the ability to "not be totally truthful" Which in reality is BULLSHIT, and I should have known better. I am not pointing fingers at all. This is a sad reality. I am old enough to know better. I really truly am.

Sucks..

It brings us to my depression stage.. that will be included in Day 2

Redemption Song.... its all I ever had....

I will be posting some music that seems to make me feel better, or maybe worse depending on the mood:

First off the bat......

and now the damn video doesn't work!! GREAT.. more to come on that one!

Song Two last one, b/c its late and I have to be up at the ass crack of dawn (should I do a photo of that??), to play golf with some clients.

Ari Hest, I forgive you (this song brings me to tears.. it cripples me sometimes when I hear it)