Sarah Bettens - Someone to say hi

Goodbye.. I love you.. always will. I hope you know that. I have to let go of you..

New Doctor

so I try out a new Doctor today. One that can me life skills versus assuages my feelings/fears. I am looking forward to it, as it is time to be healed. I am sore, hurting, but doing better. I had a good evening last night seeing David Gray and Ray Lamontange. Incredible. I actually didn't break down during "This Year's love" Was incredible and redeeming feeling.
Maybe I am getting over you.. I am not sure. I don't want too, but I know I have too. You were the person that changed me. In a lot of ways. Mostly good. I just don't see that yet.
Lets hope

Time, and healing

Everyone says "time" heals everything. That only "time" will tell. That "time" will make things better. Only thing "time" has done for me is make me feel worse for my actions towards her. It has made me rethink the trouble and pain I caused the only person in my life that has stayed true to me. The only person that totally figured me out.
I am not perfect, I have a lot of mistakes, lot of insecurities that stem from a rough childhood, and an even rougher life that I have brought upon myself. She was the only thing that has been stable in a very rocky situation. On the outside I seem fine. I work a good job, have an education, try to respect people. However, inside, I am a complete train wreck. I struggle with day to day life. I break down for no reason. Cry like a 3 year that just shit his pants.
Everything happens for a reason, or so I hear. What is this reason? To remain bitter and heart broken? To feel insignificant to someone so amazing that once told me I was the "love of her life." Where does that go?? How can one just turn that off?
I wish I could go back and fix things. I sincerely do. I wish I could have learned to give her space,love when she needed it, and just general honesty. I made some bad decisions in my past that have affected how she dealed with me. But then again, she stayed around. She weathered a pretty strong storm. Only to sink b/c of me..
Yes, this is a victim writing I guess. The only real finger to be pointed is at myself.
I hope one day she'll see.. I can only pray she does.


but I really doubt it

another week, another time

so this week is going to be fun. I fly out to D.C on Wednesday. I have a convention till Sat A.M. Then I am going to spend the weekend exploring DC. So excited. I have not been in 25 years.. DAMN I AM OLD..
Anyway, maybe I need to go by and give the Johnny Cash to Obama! haha

Almost forgot

Song of the Night..

First Time.. Matt Nathanson.. Curve ball tonight.. Lyrics then the song tonight

Im ready to embrace this I am
Im ready for repair
Ive got so many layers left by amateur painters who covered over what was there

I stuffed myself sick on your memory
a beautiful mess that we made
but Im so tired of being inspired only when things slip away

You told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone dry
You told me time would strip it all free
but Im no better then when I left here the first time

Im ready to erase this I am
Im ready to begin
spent myself trying to change all of the beauty we made
just to want it all back again

And with clouds moving in
well this hardly looks like the same moon
and with the leaves all gone the trees that once stood strong
now look pinched and cruel.

You told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone dry
You told me time would strip it all free
but Im no better then when I left here the first time
but Im no better then when I left here the first,
first time
first time.

You told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone dry
You told me time would strip it all free
but Im no better then when I left here the first time
well Im no better then when I left here the first time,
well Im no better then when I left here the first time,
time, time, time.

The song..

RE:

So this is an RE: post...

I was going to write a lot about how hurtful and painful the email I received from "Francis" was.. but nah.. Fuck that.. but I do have one thing to say or rather.. let the man in black say it.. then I am done..

Ahhh DONE!! Feel so much better now..

being hateful and spiteful is not the way.. I know.. It just hurt.. so you.. done with you. I could care less what you think or do..

Up yours..

Thanks Johnny.. I needed it

Man on the Run

so I am working today and Cowboy Mouth's "Man on the Run" came on..

So unfortunately I "exchanged" emails with my ex.. bad fucking idea.. Damnit..

So the reply was pretty snarky and shitty. I would post it, but its too hard to deal with.

Needless say the cut is wide open again.. and to top off of this.. I messed up my ankle again. .WTF

Healing according to Webster:

Main Entry: heal

Pronunciation: \ˈhēl\

Function: verb

Etymology: Middle English helen, from Old English hǣlan; akin to Old High German heilen to heal, Old English hāl whole — more at whole

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb1 a : to make sound or whole b : to restore to health
2 a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome : mend ed — William Power> b : to patch up (a breach or division)
3 : to restore to original purity or integrity ed of sin>intransitive verbSo we are suppose to "heal" to make things better in our lives, what if we can't b/c of a mental roadblock. What if we can't let go.. So the song currently playingSweet Marie, Hothouse Flowers.. such a beautiful pieceListen.. I am done for the day..

day 1..

The Broken Hearted.

Sleeping to dream about you, and I am so damn tired, and I am having to live without you, but I don't mind....... J. Mraz...

This is your heart.. this is what happens when it is broken.. scientist take it out, test it, kick the shit out of it.. then sell you "happy" pills to make you feel better..

First off.. IF you are easily offended by:

1. Salty language, stop reading now!!

2.If you are worried you might be named in this blog (all will be changed for their protection, however, you can't really change things like MOM and DAD).

3. If you don't get my humor.. Well sorry.. you are f'd.

The Way The Story Goes:

Welcome to my new blog. I am writing about the healing of my broken heart. There will be stories from the past, there will be stories from today, tomorrow and the next day. I may chronicle my dates, etc. I am healing, but it is taking a lot of time, and self discovery.

Well it is actually day 14 for me. I haven't talked to her since Sunday before last. We had a long conversation and I realized right then and there, it was a bad idea to keep this thing going along. I have struggled with not contacting her. Its hurtful when she was my best friend, and my lover too. I spent a lot of time with her and her daughter.

For this blog sakes we will call my ex girlfriend, Francis.. b/c well.. I know no one named Francis...

(And let me put a caveat out there.. This is not a Francis Bashing blog, she was wonderful, we just didn't sync up, and I was dealing with a lot of emotional grief).

So today is a new day. .I woke up feeling ok about the day. I was not ready to attack things like I need to be. I know its not going to be 100% every day. Its going to be tough. Its going to be a fight some days to keep my sanity.

Speaking of my sanity.. I need to find a good counselor. YEP. I do! I admit that I have had some ups and downs that were not healthy.

I was doing some research for this page. And I was going to show a deep cut.. And as I chroncile my days, I slowly show the healing of the cut.. like my heart is. Metaphorically speaking, its like a cut has been made in my soul. A really deep cut. I think it needed stitches.. But I didn't get them. I am trying to let it heal on its own. Its going to scar.. Like A motherfucker. But then again, I need to finally learn from my mistakes. Make good decisions, be honest with my significant other, and myself. I have not been honest with who I am for the longest time. I have fought it so hard.

BULLSHIT PORTION OF THE PROGRAM:

The ultimate goal is to create a diary of my ups and downs. My happiness, and my sadness. This is not going to be easy. I have to do something I haven't done forever.. Be honest. Not that I lie about everything etc. I unfortunately inherited from my mom the ability to "not be totally truthful" Which in reality is BULLSHIT, and I should have known better. I am not pointing fingers at all. This is a sad reality. I am old enough to know better. I really truly am.

Sucks..

It brings us to my depression stage.. that will be included in Day 2

Redemption Song.... its all I ever had....

I will be posting some music that seems to make me feel better, or maybe worse depending on the mood:

First off the bat......

and now the damn video doesn't work!! GREAT.. more to come on that one!

Song Two last one, b/c its late and I have to be up at the ass crack of dawn (should I do a photo of that??), to play golf with some clients.

Ari Hest, I forgive you (this song brings me to tears.. it cripples me sometimes when I hear it)